TIPM Media Fonejacker!

Sometimes at TIPM Media, I think I’ve just had a call from Fonejacker 
“Hello, TIPM Media.”
X “Is that Tip? I need some help.”
“Well, this isT.I.P.M. Media. How can I help?”

 [I knew I might have trouble with the company name-sometimes. If I say it too quickly it can sound like TPM Media, instead]
X “Oh, good, yes. I have a book…”

[long pause from caller as I wait for the follow up]
“… okay. And how can I help you with your book?”
X “I need lots of help. The pages are all wrong and it won’t load. It says ‘file incompatible’ all the time.”
“And where are you loading the file to?”
X “Here… Wisconsin.”
“No. I mean what publishing platform or service are you trying to use on your computer?”
[short pause]
X “Yes, it’s on the computer, but I can’t get the damn thing up.”
“Okay… those self-publishing platforms can be frustrating. I’d need to take a look at the file and know where you’re loading the book file to—the site you’re on.”
X “Wisconsin… I’m in Wisconsin.”
“Yes. I understand. But the website you are trying to load your book file onto… Is it Lulu, CreateSpace, Wattpad, Fastpencil… one of those?”
X “Who? … Oh, I see. Wait, I’m not sure. It’s yellow and orange”
“It might be Lulu you’re on. Can you read me out the address in the browser bar?”
X “It’s Wisconcin 43XXXX. Maple Drive, just off Cedarwood…  We’re just off the I-39.“
“Maybe it would be better to send me the book file on email so I can take a look and advise you on your best option to publish? Would you like me to give you my email?”
X “Yes. I want to publish it. Could you come over and take a look?”
“I’m actually not based in the USA. I’m in the Netherlands. You phoned me here.”
X “Where? … What state is that? Don’t you do call-out or have an office nearby?”
“I don’t. I’m a publishing consultant. Maybe you can email the file or take a look at the TIPM Media website and choose a service suited to what you want.”
X “I want the book published.”
“I understand that. There’s lots of options. Is this the first book you’re written?”
X “Yes…”
“And it’s never been published before?”
X “It has. I did it with Newton last time.”
“Oh, so want to re-publish it? You own the rights to it now?”
X “Yes, it’s mine.”
“But Newton did publish it before?”
X “Yes!”
“I haven’t heard of Newton. Where is this publisher located?”
X “Wisconsin.”
“They are a local independent publisher?”
X “Yes. About five blocks down the street.”
“And when did Newton publish the book?”
X “Oh, let me think. It must be about a month or two ago. Family business—great kids.  Jeff, the eldest, ran it until Pop Louis died. Jeff’s with the US Naval overseas. Little Bob runs it now. The store’s always busy so it can take a time for the printing.”
“Ah, so Newton prints books?
X “Lots. We’ve used them for years. First time was ’65 for our wedding album, then in ’72 they did Nancy’s law thesis, and throughout the ‘80’s several college course yearbooks for the university. That sort of thing, right up until Pop Louis passed away a few summers ago. The place has never been the same since. Bob’s nothing like his father for detail.”
“Okay… Newton is a print and stationary store?”
X “Sure. Best one in Wisconsin… or at least it was.”
“And your book? The book you’re trying to load up online…”
[sound of dog barking… ]
X “Oh, wait, one second…“
[phone is put down and voices in the background—“ELLEN! … ELLEN! Tyson wants to go out again! I’m on the phone!” – “he’s out in the parking lot” (more distant voice) “He’s not. He’s at the door now!” – “ELLEN! ELLEN! I’m on the phone.” ]
X “Sorry. It’s Tyson. He’s a bladder problem.  We had him at the clinic yesterday. He’s an old ‘pound’ dog we got last year. I took him out for a walk all morning. He gets that way.”
“That’s okay. So tell me. What’s your book about?”
X “Well, it’s about 200 pages.”
“Okay. But what is the story about?”
X “It’s about cats and their adventures.”
“Not dogs? … “
X “No, no. Ellen doesn’t like dogs. It’s really her book, but I think she’s upstairs in the tub right now.”
“Oh, okay. So maybe I should speak to Ellen?”
X “Yeh, maybe…”
[sound of dog barking persists…]
“Maybe you’d like to ask Ellen to call or email me on that book when she has time?”
X “Yeh. Think that’s best. She’s in the tub at the moment…”
“I know, I know…  Do you read much yourself?”
X “Not really. I prefer taking Tyson for walks.”
“So… I’ll let Ellen ring me, then?”
X “Yeh. I think that’s best.”
The names and places above have been changed to protect the innocent. Ellen never did ring me back!

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